Monday, February 27, 2006

A year later...

Wow. It's been a little over a year since my last post. Funny but I find myself in the exact same position that I was in then. It seems as though I'm destined to contintuously repeat all the mistakes I've ever made. Every year has become the same: a somewhat serious relationship that I cut the cord to during fall, followed by excessive partying, which leads to mental instability, loss of employment, no money, and basically hitting bottom. By spring I'll have my act together, on the road to complete recovery, great summer, then back into the vicious cycle upon the arrival of fall. I'm so fucked. It has been this way for the last 4 maybe 5 years. You'd think I'd have learned by now. And the scary thing is that this time, I can see it all before, I can see exactly how this year is going to go. I've been partying my face off since October when me and George broke up. Quit jobs, quit school, then met someone I think I really care about. I've curtailed the partying, getting healthy, and thinking about leaving for California in a month and a half for the significant other. Do I really even need to continue? I'll end up single again by November, probably on the first flight back home I can find, and celebrate my homecoming and singularity with a 5 month drug-addled, bender, and so it will begin yet again.

Maybe people really don't change. I always think I have. And then prove myself wrong. Or maybe I just don't believe in myself enough, doubt myself too much. Does expecting the worst end up making it come true? Maybe. I'm so tired of the cycle, I want it to end this year, I want to move forward. I want to change but don't know how, don't know how to overcome the fucked up mess that is in my head, the vicious mania and depression, anxiety, weakness, inability to focus, lack of ambition and motivation... at least I can admit that I need to change. And I want to.

..... or maybe it's time to go back to 345 Blackstone Blvd


Friday, January 21, 2005

chaos theory

It's official. I suck at life. I serve no purpose other than to make others miserable. Including myself. I let chaos rule my life. No matter how hard I work to keep things orderly, it all comes crashing down. I don't think I will ever be capable of holding a normal relationship again. Still clinging to fear of the past, fear of getting fucked over, fear of losing myself. I've become so overwhelmed by this, that I can no longer trust. No longer let my heart lead. And then at the same time, I wonder, is it really that bad? Wouldn't it be nicer to never have to bother with love altogether? Just forget it existed? I don't understand how all these men can throw themselves at me. Why? What is it about me?

God I am so fucked up. XXX, I fucking hate you.

Monday, December 06, 2004

What kind of disease are you?

Lauren:

Lauren is caused by Satan.




Lauren disease causes a constant lack of clothing.
The only cure for Lauren is to kill a chicken and wear its skin on your head.
Name?

Sunday, November 21, 2004

wow I'm alive...

Looks like I made it through another weekend. This one wasn't quite as crazy as I'm used to, so maybe that's why. Let's see, Friday night.... umm, yeaaaaaa. What did I do? Oh yea all that stuff and Viva. That was fun. Got really trashed. Yesterday, George and Sam took me to dinner at Paragon, unbelievable food mind you, and then me and George took off for the night. First stop was David's Place in N. Prov. for my friend Shannon's b-day/going away party. That was fun. Too bad George was getting antsy, sooo didn't want to be there around my Bristol friends. After that we took off to Giza, new club on Hartford Ave. My friend Tony and his brothers own it. It was a very nice surprise to walk in and see them, I'd no idea that they had owned it before last night. So, I hung out there and played pool with Tony and Vinny all night.
So now I need to vent about a certain boy named XXX. What the fuck is his deal?!?! We used to talk for like 2 months before I started a fight about relationships. That ended it all REAL quick. So last Saturday he called me. For the first time in a month. Wanted me to come over, can we say booty call? Well at least that's what I thought. I told him that I wasn't going to go to his house. So he came to the party I was at and sat outside with me for 45 mins. just talking. Then we made out for a bit. I don't get it. Why did he go all the way there at 3am to sit outside and talk to me???? Was he hoping that I would fuck him in the truck? I really don't get it. He told me to call him because he wanted to still be "friends." So I called. And got absolutely no phone call back. Fuckshit.

Friday, November 19, 2004


Mee Posted by Hello